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We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.
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    Comes in a lovely case with the Album Art, Most of the Lyrics, and a special thank you from the cast. Proceeds will go to the Safe Storage Program and to future generations of Viking Radio Theatre.

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about

Cosmetic Adjustments is just a word from one of our sponsors.

Hear at Viking Radio Theatre, we like to support anyone and anything that wants to be on our show. It's not mutilation, unless you pay for it.

Special Thanks to Jennifer Harbick for writing this piece.

(Submit PSAs, Ads, Promos, Scripts to: VikingRadioTheatre@gmail.com)

lyrics

Cosmetic Adjustments Gag Commercial
Written by Jennifer Harbick

Pleasant music throughout. Perhaps rocking chair noises for GRANDMA.

CHILD: (Sound of child running up.) Grandma, Grandma! I made you a drawing! (Noises of paper handling.)

GRANDMA: Oh my goodness. That is the loveliest hand turkey I have ever seen. I’m so proud of you, Clarisse. (Child runs away.)

UNCLE: (A few adult steps over.) Oh yeah, mom. I did too. (Paper noises.)

GRANDMA: That’s nice dear. Your father could use some help out back. Why don’t you go there?

ALL POWERFUL BEING: Are you tired of receiving insufficient love from your parents every holiday season? Wishing you could step back into the light of their affections by shoving your replacements down the nearest flight of stairs?

Hi, I’m Sammy Shorthand of Cosmetic Adjustments. Every year, as you get older, you start to become less and less important in the eyes of your parents and grandparents. Here at Cosmetic Adjustments, we work to help you claim back the little things without resorting to physical violence.

UNCLE: (Quick pencil scratch noises.) Hey, mom. I made you a drawing.

GRANDMA: Wow, Tommy. This is a very realistic turkey.
UNCLE: Thanks, mom! I traced it with my hand! (Horrible—yet subtle squishy schlorping sounds—maybe with some boney crunches.)

GRANDMA (Shocked): (Maybe wooden chair scoot sounds.) Oh my God! What have you done to your hand???

ALL POWERFUL BEING: We know you’ll do anything to reclaim any kind of attention, so we listen carefully to
whatever ideas you bring to our office and do our best to make your horrifying fantasies come to life!

UNCLE (Now clearly in a different setting, probably awkwardly reading from a script.): Hi. I’m Thomas Walker. Ever since I came in to Cosmetic Adjustments, my relationship with my parents has never been the same. They turned my hand into the perfect turkey shape (probably more quiet schlorping during this.) without asking any awkward questions. Thank you, Cosmetic Adjustments!

SLOGAN: Cosmetic Adjustments. It’s not mutilation if you pay for it.

(nobody, no animal, no thing was hurt in the creation of this piece)

credits

from Vocal Fry the Voice Actor Way, released August 7, 2019
Written By:
Jennifer Harbick

Child:
Madeline Virtue

Grandma:
Jacob Torres

Uncle:
Jarod Torres

All Power Being:
Charles Harper

Recorded/Mixed/Mastered:
Jacob Torres of Outtales.com

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

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Viking Radio Theatre Bellingham, Washington

Viking Radio Theatre is a program bringing back the flair and unique theatrical thrill of radio drama to today’s airwaves.

Our shows dramatize theatrical scripts into an audio form, telling the story with voice and sound effect. During each program we try to bring a variety of scripts, so that each episode has something for everyone; be it comedy, suspense, drama or science fiction. ... more

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